If you are new to my writing with this website, you may be unaware that I had a previous blog based mostly on my lived experience of infertility, called “This Transparent Soul.” I recently had it printed in book form and was flipping through it a little while ago, reading some of the posts. In several of them, I was lamenting how long the trial had been going on… 2, 3, 4 years, etc. Now it has been THIRTEEN! Somehow it feels both surreal and like the most true thing ever, simultaneously.
Although infertility is not the focus of this “Chelsey, naturally” blog, it is a huge part of my story. And I wouldn’t be the real me without still discussing it on here from time to time. Since our country just recognized “National Infertility Awareness Week,” I want to do my part by taking some time to give the well meaning people on the outside of the world of infertility some perspective from inside. Those who haven’t walked in our shoes cannot understand the depths to which we grieve or how infertility taints everything. But how are you supposed to know how we feel or what we need if no one ever tells you? So to help bridge the gap, I am using some tips from a post I wrote back in February 2014, and adding in some more from my current perspective. But please remember everyone is different, and these are just suggestions and ideas to help bring some insight and guidance when navigating relationships with friends or family members who are in the midst of this trial.
- Acknowledge infertility as a medical and emotional crisis with a wide variety of losses, disappointments and ‘costs’: physical, financial, emotional, relational and spiritual. Do not attempt to deny our struggle by completely avoiding the topic or offering insensitive remarks such as “just relax,” “everything will be fine,” or “it could be worse.”
- Know that we are constantly hurting to some degree. I know this may sound a little bit drastic, but it is true! There are multiple things everyday the average person wouldn’t even think of that remind us what we don’t have…such as walking through a retail store, going out of eat, scrolling through the news feed on Facebook and being surrounded by ever growing families in our lives. Not to mention that empty room in our house just waiting to be filled. Or even a song or scent or commercial on t.v. might trigger us. You have to work really hard not to just put a huge wall up between yourself and the rest of the world! Sometimes that feels like it would be much safer.
- Pray for us. I have heard it said that laughter is the best medicine, but I truly think prayer is the best medicine! Nothing brings me more comfort and healing than going to The Lord in prayer and knowing others are lifting up prayers on our behalf. Not only for healing, miracles, etc., but also for protection from the enemy. Trust me, infertility is ripe ground for some of his favorite things: shame, bitterness and dissention.
- Remember us on especially difficult days, such as Mother’s day, Father’s day and Christmas. It is one thing to realize “it’s been awhile” since we started trying to have a baby, but it is another thing to think of all the holidays and anniversaries that are passing by. For the baby or babies you have lost, there is the day you found out you were pregnant, the child’s due date and day you lost the baby. All of these dates mark the passing of years with unfulfilled hopes and expectations.
- Be careful not tell us God will keep promises He never made!! For example: “Just keep having faith and you’ll get your miracle baby someday!” This is damaging on multiple levels and I’ve heard it many times. Of course we all want to believe it and it is said with the best of intentions… but please be mindful of what you say.
- Don’t avoid us! I know it can be awkward to be around us at times. Our situation can make things uncomfortable and sometimes you may find it difficult to know what to say. But please continue to invite and include us. And if we do not feel up to coming, we will decline…. but at least we won’t feel left out. And if you don’t know what to say, just tell us that, and ask what you could say or do that would be helpful. I recommend something like “I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I am here for you and I care. Let me know if there is anything I can do to support you.”
- Please don’t forget the man! He may not show it in the same way, but infertility, miscarriage, not having a child to carry on his name, etc. is all really stinking hard for him, too!
- Understand that infertility is unique in that there is often a lack of closure for a really long time. And that can make it very difficult to come to a place of acceptance. You can’t come to terms with a closed door when the door is still slightly open. The repeating hope/disappointment cycle is pretty brutal!
- Any words or acts of kindness that let us know you care and haven’t forgotten our suffering or our babies are appreciated more than you know.
- Feel free to ask questions about infertility medications and procedures we are doing or have done, if you are truly curious and want to learn more. We are usually very willing to share our knowledge and experience with you!! One way to help us feel like our struggle has not been in vain is to educate and help others!
For those of you surviving on the inside of the infertility world…I see you, I feel you, and I am sharing this on behalf of all of us. Your story matters; YOU matter!
